The Cost of Keeping the Peace in Coparenting
When you’re co-parenting with someone who is unpredictable, unreasonable, or simply exhausting, “keeping the peace” can feel like the only option you have left.
You want calm for your children.
You want stability in your home.
You want fewer arguments, fewer dramas, fewer late-night solicitor letters.
And on the surface, keeping the peace looks like the mature thing to do.
But underneath?
It comes at a cost that most parents don’t realise they’re paying every single day.
What Keeping the Peace Actually Looks Like
If you’re like many of the parents I support, keeping the peace may sound like:
Biting your tongue so things don’t escalate.
Letting your ex “win” the argument because you’re too tired to fight.
Accepting last-minute rota changes to avoid another conflict.
Absorbing your child’s distress after a difficult handover.
Staying quiet when your boundaries are crossed.
Pretending you’re fine, because the alternative feels too messy.
It feels like emotional firefighting but done silently, so no one sees the flames. And while you’re working so hard to hold everything together, there’s a cost building up in the background.
The Hidden Costs No One Talks About
1. Your Emotional Energy
Peacekeeping is exhausting.
Waking up already bracing for the next text message… living in hypervigilance… adjusting plans to avoid a blow-up, it drains your battery before the day even begins.
2. Your Confidence
When every interaction with your ex feels like walking on eggshells, it chips away at the steady, capable version of you, the one your colleagues see, the one you still want to be at home.
3. Your Parenting Presence
Here’s the heart breaking part: even when your kids aren’t directly involved in the conflict, they feel your tension. Children are emotional sponges. They notice the tight smile. The short fuse. The distracted mind. Keeping the peace for them sometimes ends up distancing you from them.
4. Your Health & Sleep
Running on adrenaline takes a toll. Late-night ruminating, waking up anxious, replaying what your ex said, your body stays in fight-or-flight long after the conflict ends.
5. Your Sense of Self
Perhaps the deepest cost of all:
Peacekeeping can make you shrink.
You compromise your boundaries.
You silence your needs.
You carry responsibility that was never meant to be yours.
And over time, you start believing that this is just the way things have to be.
It’s not.
The Myth of Peacekeeping
People often confuse appeasement with peace.
But appeasement is fragile. It relies on your silence and your sacrifice and it falls apart the moment your ex behaves unpredictably again. True peace doesn’t come from making yourself small.
It comes from strengthening your steadiness.
It comes from boundaries that support your wellbeing and your children’s.
It comes from learning how to respond, not react, when your ex throws chaos into your day.
And yes… that kind of peace is absolutely possible, even if your ex never changes.
So What Does Real Peace Look Like?
Real peace is when:
Your ex’s messages no longer hijack your mood.
You handle handovers without dread.
Your children feel calmer because you feel calmer.
Your boundaries are clear, consistent, and respectful, without being confrontational.
You stop over-functioning and start responding from a grounded place.
You feel proud of the parent you’re becoming.
This isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being steady. It’s about reclaiming space in your own life, space your ex has been occupying for far too long.
You Don’t Have to Carry It All Alone
If you’re reading this and thinking, This is me… this is exactly what I’m doing, please know:
There is nothing wrong with you.
You’re not failing.
And you don’t have to keep holding everything together by yourself.
You deserve tools, support, and strategies that actually work in the real, messy, everyday moments, not just in theory.
You deserve support that helps you protect your children and yourself.
And you deserve a peaceful life that doesn’t rely on your silence. If you would like to get back into the driving seat of your coparenting relationship, get my free video by clicking below.
